About thedelligatorpapers

34 year old, unemployeed father of 3.

$35 to remove poopy from potty (semi R rated post). Read with caution

Yup.  That typically what it pays.  What is it exactly?  Well, its exactly as the title to the post says.  I get paid money to remove shit and other unidentifiable materials from toilets.  Let me be clear.  THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.

However, scooping dookie from toilets is actually quite simple and when you consider that it usually takes no more than 10 minutes, I am happy to see a deuce sitting there.  It must have been lonely for it, ya know.  Somebody unceremoniously left it there without the common courtesy to flush it.  It must be overwhelmed with shitty joy to see me and my gloved hand coming at it to set it free.

For some reason, it seems that EVERY person that has been foreclosed on or otherwise evicted from their home feels the need to drop the kids off at the pool upon their exit.  Do they feel this “one ups” the man?  Amateurish, I say.  If you really want to throw a big “F you” to the man, do something clever.  Leave an “upper decker” for instance.  Maybe leave a fish in the fridge and pull the plug.  Throw a pig carcass in the attic, etc…  Simply leaving a turd in the toilet does nothing more than give me a certain sense of joy.  I actually don’t much mind the act of removing it and if I had an endless supply I could make SERIOUS money.  60 minutes / 10 minutes = 6 cleanings per hour x $35 per cleaning = $210 per hour x 8 hours per day = 1680 per day x 5 days per week = $8400 per week x 52 weeks = $436,800 annually.  I remind myself every time I have to dig the stinky chocolateness out of the porcelain throne that I am the highest paid shit-digger-outter in America.  Go me.

What I can’t handle.  Two things.

1. Rotten food in a refrigerator in an abandoned house that doesn’t have electricity.  The smell is distinct and there is no escape.  Nothing makes it go away and no matter how many times I’ve been subjected to it I just can’t overcome it.  I gag, drive heave, and run, Run, RUN in the opposite any direction leading away.  My esteemed business partner finds this to quite possibly be his greatest sense of joy and comedic relief.  Rarely am I serious…about anything, but I get Goddamned serious around rotten refrigerators in Pennsylvania in August.  Remember, our climate is like Guatemala.  Only more humid and actually, mostly warmer.

The other thing that gets me is pubic hair in bathrooms.  The clever assholes that are getting the boot from their homes will shave their balls in the bathtub and leave it behind for us to clean.  There’s no fancy math on this one, folks.  Cleaning the tub, sink and outer toilet are part of what’s called a “wipe down”.  That’s usually $35-$50.  Since we never have electricity and by this virtue, never have a vacuum cleaner with us, the short and curlys get cleaned out with a Lysol wipe or a paper towel and a bottle of bleach.  You can NEVER get them all and inevitably, they will find their way to your person.  No matter how careful you are, traces of some man’s (or woman’s) veritable forest of crotch fur will be left on you or your clothing.  This brings on the gags, heaves and chastising from the biz partner.  Thankfully, we are opposite in our stomach turning do and don’ts. I get the poopy and he gets the manscape left overs.

The other things that turn out stomachs, but more in a “it makes me sick that they left this behind” kind of way are many and usually come with zero explanation.  For example, there is a house in york county that we are currently working on.  Most everything from the home is gone.  TV’s, furniture, clothing, food (thank God), but we stumbled across the old owners college diploma and 2 copies of sealed transcripts.  diploma, not a huge deal for an ass-clown like me that went to school for culinary arts where I developed the skills to be a professional human pooper scooper, but this diploma was for a woman’s MBA.  Who leaves that shit behind?  Something else we see a lot of (and this really pisses us off) is all traces of adults gone, but nearly all of the kids stuff gets left behind.  Toys, clothes, school papers, year books, sports trophies, etc…  Hey ass-bags.  Take your kid’s shit too.  I’m sure your kids already hate you, but your piss more decisions shouldn’t strip them of their possessions.  One property in particular that we are currently assigned to has a  room that contains pretty much every possession of what I’m guessing to be a 4-5 year old girl.  The dresser is full of her clothes.  The closet has coats, hats and shoes in it.  Hell, even the bed is there and it’s made.  Its been suggested to me a number of times that the girl must have died and that’s why everything is still there.  Although it’s possible, I’ll hold firm on the parents being a couple of ass-hats that just didn’t give a fuck.

It’s also amazing just how dirty homes in general are.  It’s really something to see the bare insides of cupboards and drawers.  999 out of 1000 are really, REALLY gross.  Take some time this weekend and empty your doors and drawers and clean up.  I know for certain that I won’t be doing any of that nonsense, but for the initiated few that read this, I highly recommend it.

I’m going to try to write more about the ridiculousness that I see in the field on a more regular basis.  I’d like to maybe even start throwing in a few handyman tips for your educational enjoyment.  Let’s try one now.

Universally, electricity codes are going to change next year in relation to outlets in the home.  All new outlets (receptacles) must be safety outlets and they must be installed with the grounding point facing up or what most would consider “upside down”.  The safety mechanism is quite ingenious in that it is 100% passive but effective.  Try to insert a safety-pin, needle, knife…anything at all and it wont go in.  Try to insert a plug and it slides in effortlessly.  You can see and test these at your local hardware store or neighborhood mega giant home improvement store.  The basis for installing the outlet upside down is quite simple.  If you were to drop something onto a “not fully inserted” plug, there is a chance it could land on both “top” prongs and cause a short…which could cause a fire, etc…  However, if the outlet is installed with the one ground up and the 2 prongs down, any items falling onto it with simply continue to fall.  It looks funny at first, but take it from somebody that installed all new outlets in their home.  You get used to the look quite quickly and if you have small children running amuck, it gives a little peace of mind.




Meow Meows

Earlier this week we welcomed two cats to the family.  It was mentioned that there is a good chance that the cats will still be around when the youngest member of the Delligator clan leaves for college.  Something about that statement made me think about what life might be like in 16 years.

I’ll be 51 years old.  Still not as old as my parents currently are, but damn, any thoughts of still being as good as I once was will have been clearly left behind.  Am I still as good as I once was?  I think to a certain degree, yes.  I can still throw a ball pretty damn hard.  I could probably make 7 out of 10 shots from the free throw line and my golf game, though horrible by many standards, is still more than respectable.  Sure, I’ve “lost a step” and I’ve certainly lost the desire to fall to the ground, but I can still bring it in most things that I used to be pretty damn good at.

Why is it than when reflecting on “if we still got it” seems to almost always revolve around sports? Especially for men.  At this point of my life I’m 10x better at just about everything in life, but the things that seemingly matter most are whether or not I could still throw a frozen rope from the outfield corner to nail some dipshit that thinks they can score on me?  Maybe it’s time for Daddy to stop thinking he’s still that 17 year old and start realizing that he’s a washed up 35 year old.  F-that shit.  I always batted left handed and ended up playing golf right handed (left handed clubs were a luxury that wasn’t able to be afforded).  I shoot low 90’s most days and have been known to dip into the 80’s a few times a year.  I still contend that if given a set of left handed clubs and some free time that I may very well be a scratch player.  The dream of sports supremacy is still alive, bitches!!

There has been an awful lot going on in my life lately.  Some of it would make for great blog fodder, but I haven’t decided whether or not I feel like sharing with you, my loyal readers.  Some things are über personal and others are thoughts that I don’t feel anybody but me would give a shit about.

I randomly associate bands together for no other reason than I happened to listen to them at the same time.  Some bands I never listened to or cared for, but I still feel like you can’t have one without the other.  For example.

Ace of Base + 3rd Base
Rick Astley + Belinda Carlise
Seal + PM Dawn
There are plenty of others but you get the idea, don’t ya?

I damn near gave myself a headache 2 days ago trying to think of a PM Dawn song…any song.  For some reason I could only think of Gin Blossom songs.  It’s important to note that I never owned music from either band and most definitely never will.  For some reason I refused to turn to google for help.  This evening, baby momma, looked for PM Dawn music and played the little “Set adrift on memory bliss” ditty for me.  I was underwhelmed.

I was “super Shawshanked” last sunday(?) night.  As I was going to bed around 10:30 I found myself watching The Shawshank Redemption on AMC.  wouldn’t ya know those sly programmers at AMC showed it again at 11pm.  I desperately wanted to change the channel.  I fought with myself to not watch it.  I did everything I could except change the channel.  I finally drifted off to sleep sometime in the early part of the 1am hour.  I’m still paying for those few lost hours of sleep.

Phillies.  What’s to say?  I still watch ’em.  Pretty much every night.  If it is a band wagon that you fancy yourself one day jumping on, look to another city.  This team has holes that almost can’t be fixed.  Maybe the GM will open the wallet one more time this offseason and grab a difference maker of a player.  I say there’s no way in Hell that happens.  None, Zero, Zilch, Nada.

I recently read “Moneyball” and I’m looking at the game differently these days.  I’m glad I read the book, but I’m almost pissed at what it did with my baseball brain.  This evening, the Phillies were tied 3-3 in the 9th inning when Cody Asche smacked a hit to right field to lead off the inning.  Jimmy Rollins came to the plate next.

All conventional baseball wisdom tells you to bunt here.  You have to get the runner in scoring position.  Kevin Frandsen is standing on the on-deck circle and is a high average, high contact player.  Moving Asche to 2nd while sacrificing an out is what you do.  Right?  Not according to “Moneyball”.  In the world of Moneyball, outs are a commodity that you can never afford to give away (aka Sacrifice).  I fully expect Rollins to bunt…and then the craziest thing happens.  He swings away.  WHAT THE HELL?

Speaking of the Phillies, Tom McCarthy, play-by-play man for the Phils TV crew was absent this evening.  I didn’t catch why, but with no other options, Chris Wheeler went from color analyst to play-by-play announcer for this evening.  I hate Chris Wheeler.  I mean…I despise him actually and to having to listen to his ridiculousness all night was almost unbearable.  Somebody else…somebody with a say in the goings-on in the Phillies hierarchy must know how awful he is.  Harry Kalas was untouchable.  Richie Ashburn, ditto.  Chris Wheeler?  That numbskull is apparently as well.  Where’s Andy Musser when you need him?

I’m coming up on the end of my 2 year no complete clause from my last “real” job at the end of this year.  Might be time to start sending my resume to the competitors.  Could be fun to see if anybody would make a move on me.

That’s all for now kiddies.


Movies that we must watch – aka “The Shawshank Syndrome”

My beloved business partner and I have coined the phrase “Shawshank Syndrome”.  It refers to any movie that comes on the TV that you cannot pull yourself away from no matter how many times you’ve seen it. No matter if it is on a station with commercials. No matter if it’s on Comedy Central who takes more commercial breaks than any other station.  The point is, if it’s on, you’re watching and ain’t nothing else getting in your way.

Biz Partner – “did you get those bids over to the Realtor today?”
Me – “Not yet.  I got Shawshanked by “Executive Decision”.
Biz Partner – (Shaking his head) “Christ…again???”
Me – “I was hoping Steven Segal actually made it to the plane this time”
Biz Partner – “You know he dies.  Just like Goose.  Goose always dies”
Me – “I need to watch Top Gun.  He might make it this time”.

Here’s my top ten:

1.  The Shawshank Redemption
2.  Any “Meet the Parents” movie
3.  Bad Boys I or II
4. The Fast and the Furious or 2 Fast 2 Furious
5.  The Birdcage
6.  Escape From Alcatraz (sonofabitch stopped me twice the week)
7.  Any early Adam Sandler movie (Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer)
8.  Stripes
9.  Any Nic Cage Movie (Any!  ’nuff said?)
10.  Ocean’s 11, 12 or 13

There are about 20 others that deserve to be on the list.  What are your’s?

A small piece of me is gone

Recently, I sold my metal detector.  I rarely used it, but I always enjoyed being a guy who owned a metal detector.  I was incredibly conscious of the social stigma that came along with being a metal detecting enthusiast.  It made me a nerd.  It made me the weird guy wearing big headphones digging for people’s lost pocket change.  It immediately made me uncool, no matter the context.  It made me the butt of jokes and so on and so forth, but it made ME happy.

I loved pulling anything out of the ground.  Sure, loose change was always fine and it paid for plenty of sodas in the office back in the day, but it was the oddball stuff that I loved finding more than anything.  I never found any expensive jewelry but I found plenty of little bits of costume jewelry.  I found buttons from suit coats and tons of zipper pulls.  Every time I found something like that I would instantly start to wonder what must have been going through the person’s mind that lost the trinket.  Did a man go crazy for a week trying to find the brass button to his favorite jacket?  Did a young child fear getting in trouble for breaking the zipper on their coat or pants?  Answers that could never be answered but left plenty to the imagination.

Now that it’s gone, a small piece of me is too.  I suppose I’m “that much” less of a nerd (even though I still know how fast the Millenium Falcon made the Kessel run) than I was last month.  I’m sure I’ll buy another one again one day and I’ll regain my rightful nerd status.  Maybe I’ll even wear a straw hat and a fishing vest this time.

The point to all of this is…  Do what makes you happy folks.  Sometimes it isn’t glamorous or even something that you wouldn’t want people to know about, but it makes you smile at the end of the night.  Sometimes I think we worry too much about society and it’s definition of cool, especially in the digital world where we’re seemingly endlessly connected to one and other.  Stop living for the better judgement from others and worry about what makes you happy.  Go metal detecting.  Knit until your fingers bleed.  Tie flies for fly fishing or build birdhouses in your shed.  Go to museums and watch bad movies.  Go ahead and watch Old Yeller.  There’s a reason people reference it all of the time…its a hell of a good movie.  The problem is, you’re scared shitless to let your coworkers or family know that you watched it last night.  F that noise.

Good night, gang.

(The Kessel Run references a trade route in Star Wars that typically took 18 parsecs to complete.  The Millenium Falcon made the run in “under 12 parsecs”.  Pretty damn fast)



“Yes, we’re in Pennsylvania, but it might as well be Guatemala”

I hate it when people talk about the heat.

Joe Blow – Wow Josh, can you believe this heat?

Me – Really, I hadn’t noticed.

Joe Blow – Yeah, apparently it’s in the 90’s.

Me – No effing way?!?!

Yes, Christ…It’s hot. It’s Pennsylvania in July. It gets hot here folks. Blame it on global warming if you must, just spare me the debate about where the warming is coming from. I feel strongly that fossil fuels have nothing to do with it and I accept the theory that the Earth’s climate transitions from hot-to-cold over and over again. We’re still exiting our last Ice Age which really didn’t occur that long ago in the gazillion year history of the earth.

My company has been doing a lot of work for a larger company and I recently had the misfortune of having a conversation about the recent heat wave in regard to rapid mold growth in an abandoned home. The silly rep asked me what I thought was causing the mold to grow. I responded with:

It’s hot and it’s been raining. Mold likes moisture and heat. Put them together and you have one hell of a science experiment

She was silly enough to say “it’s hot in Pennsylvania (they’re from NY)?”

Yes!! It might be Pennsylvania, but it’s more like Guatemala right now.”

I hate having to work for / with anybody but myself or my esteemed business partner. Sometimes I think we’re the only two people with half a brain between our ears.

Complete change of subject…

The local convenience store that I frequent has recently gone through a bit of employee turnover.  Obviously, talented people are not going to work the counter of the gas station forever and I feared the day would come that they would begin to leave, but I never imagined that 3 employees in particular would all leave at the same time.

What makes for a “great” clerk at the local refueling station?  It’s simple.  Fast service, quick-witted banter and a knack for mowing down a line of customers without skipping a beat.  I like to think that I knew what we had and didn’t take it for granted.  One of them joined the Marines, one chased a silly dream called College and the other just plain disappeared.

What we’re left with are two of the most uneducated, mindless, closest-fucking-thing-I’ve-seen-to-real-life-zombies that the world has to offer.  The one is courteous, but is amazingly slow.  Slow in the way that you have to try to be that slow because nobody can accidentally be that incredibly unmotivated.  Seriously, it gets thrown around way too often, but my GRANDMOTHER could run circles around this halfwit.  It shouldnt take more than 20 seconds to complete my transaction.  Even if I ask for a lottery ticket and a receipt.  It just shouldn’t.

More concerning is numskull #2.  I’ve with purpose omitted the name and location of the store I’m referring to, because I plan on quoting our conversation from earlier today EXACTLY and I live in a very small town.  He could singlehandedly make my life miserable should he come to find out exactly how much I despise his existence.

This happened at approx 3:30 this afternoon and it is important to note that although I was the only person in line, there were no less than 10 other customers in the store.

me – Hi.  Can I have a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights?
him – Sure.  (He begins walking to the smokes rack and halfway there turns and says:
him – How are you today?
Me – Fine.  How are you?
him – Tired
me – Arent we all.  It’s the crux of the modern American life.
him – I have good reason to be tired

This is where I straight up fucked up and took the bait.  I should have sighed, sneezed, coughed, grunted, nodded my head.  Something.  Anything.

me – Why?
him – I decided to try to knock some time off of my “mile” time.
me – Audible sigh (too late!!)
him – I knocked 11 seconds off of it this morning.  It was really hard to do and it was really hot
me – congratulations
him – how fast can you run a mile
me – um, I don’t know.  I don’t run miles.  I drive them.  Usually takes about 60 seconds

He looked at me like I had just kicked his dog.  I mean he threw me a “you’re an asshole for not taking my running as serious as I do”.

I finally got my change and was on my way.  He continued to jaw at me while I walked out of the store.  What about?  I don’t know.  Somehow I think my name just went on his “to be killed” list.

***this dude is creepy.  His posture, his half smile, his delivery of the language, his everything.  It all screams scary, unbalanced, ready to snap***

My point is.  I don’t mid hearing about your day, but it shouldnt come at the cost of wasting mine.  Conversation should stop as soon as the transaction does and I/we should never be the prey of “one-uppers” in customer to clerk conversation.  Just tell me you did some running earlier and you’re spent.  Fine, great!  Hope you feel better.  Fuck him and his 11 seconds.  grrrrr.

**By the way…It turns out that the high in Guatemala tomorrow is only 75.  It’s 95 here.  Looks like I need a new 3rd world country to reference for heat.  Haiti, perhaps?  I’ll take suggestions.


Looking good Pop-Pop!!

I love this commercial.  It makes me smile.  Genuinely.

I have a DVD player in the dashboard of my car.  Why?  Cause I’m awesome.

Lately, I spend a lot of time in the car SUV (its a 2002 Chevy Blazer) driving from job site to job site.  What’s a lot?  Monday took us from Etters to Hummelstown – Hummelstown to Felton – Felton to Etters.  Wednesday was Etters to Abbottstown – Abbottstown to East York – East York to Etters.  Basically 2+ hours of drive time both days.  To ease the time and because I’m awesome and have a DVD player in the car, my business partner introduced me to “Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. 

Shame on me for avoiding this show for so long.  Without ever watching an episode, I thought I had a decent idea of what it was about.  Wrong!

I love it.  It is over-the-top, wrought with childish bathroom humor and bars no holds against anybody.  Race and sexual orientation are in play.  Social and political correctness is thrown to the wayside without mercy.  It’s all in good humorous fun and I now have a new show to add to my top 5 shows of all time list.  They are:

1. Californication

2. Weeds

3. OZ

4. The West Wing

5. Its Always Sunny

Those were in no particular order except for number one.  Californication is simply the best entertainment to ever be shown on television.  Sure, I love a lot of shows, but Californication is the best of the best.  I don’t intend on engaging anyone in a debate about this.  I’m sure Game of Thrones or whatever that uber popular Walking Dead or whatever shows are fantastic, but this is my list, so bug off.  Repress your thoughts about berating me for not throwing Seinfeld into the mix.  My standard response to any challengers will simply be eat me.  This is regardless of your stature in my life. 

What was that?  I hear your brain tossing nonsense about Grey’s and other completely-unimportant-shows-to-me around.  Eat me.

Lately, I also really enjoy Fast n’ Loud.  Silly me did some googling about the show (like I do with pretty much anything I come in contact with any more – I thrive on useless knowledge) which has certainly dampened my excitement a bit, but I still find Richard and Aaron enjoyable to watch. 

CandyCrush.  It’s crack.  I owe everybody, that thinks they deserve one, an apology for my seemingly relentless CandyCrush requests on Facebook.  I can’t help myself.  Rehab may certainly be in my future. 

Bartending.  My business is going so incredibly well that I decided to apply to a place or two to be a bartender.  Silly ads keep requiring something called “experience”.  Doesn’t 4 solid years of standing in front a bar constitute “experience”?  I contend that “yes” is the answer.  We shall see.

Business.  Nobody cares to hear about it so I’ll stay quiet about it.  We still kick ass and you still haven’t referred any customers to us.  Shame on you.  At-a-boys to us for still kicking ass. 

Random thoughts to close out this little post. 

-I need 4 wood or PVC fence panels for a project.  You’d think used ones would be easy to come across.  They’re not.

-I hate mosquitoes.  This is Pennsylvania not Guatemala. 

– Where the fuck is Joe’s Crab Shack and why do you slam me with commercials if you aren’t within 50 miles of my home??

I have an electric griddle that I’m dying to cook breakfast on.  My boys haven’t dragged their butts out of bed before I’ve had ample time to eat both breakfast and lunch since school let out.  Should I:

     a. Cook myself breakfast on the griddle
     b. Wake their asses up before noon someday and cook for everybody?
     c. Store it.  Because neither of the above are going to happen anytime soon.

That’s all for now fair readers.  The clock has struck midnight and the youngest Dellinger has zero care at 7am that silly Daddy stayed awake until Midnight. 

For what its worth, click the damn links, would ya?  There are only two in this post and they’ll both work just fine on your mobile device.  It takes me time to find these things and makes the story better.  You’re not only cheating yourself, but you’re cheating me.  It’s like reading a comic without the illustration.  Do you ever click the “text only” option on a website?  No, so click the damn links!


Oh, I bet you’re wondering how I watch the in-dash DVD whilst driving.  I installed the S.O.B. myself and I bypassed the little wire that only allows it to play when the parking brake is engaged.  Easy stuff, people.  I mostly just listen anyway.  Watching is always reserved for when I’m stopped.  Honest, Mom.   

Busier than ever

I’ve been wanting to put pen to paper, so to speak, for quite some time now. I fancy myself a bit of a writer, but one can’t be a writer if they don’t write, right?

I recently read this and it made me a little sad that the “blog” is going by the wayside. I’ve known this for quite a while, but it hits home when you read somebody else actually saying it. Can our lives, thoughts, actions and feelings really be summed up in 140 characters? I’ll be honest. I read the anecdotal tales on facebook. I read them everyday. If you’re reading this, chances are we are friends on facebook and I get pelted without mercy about your trips to the grocery store, what your kids ate for dinner, why you can’t wait for the next episode of your favorite show or pictures of EVERY meal you eat. I’d much rather the entire world be forced into recapping these goings on in a blog. Here’s how it could work.


Hello blogosphere!

I’ve been missing for quite some time. Where have I been? Held captive by gorilla soldiers in some far away land? Lost at sea? Lost my mind and went to the nut-hut for 3 month stay? Nope. I’ve been busy. Busier than I’ve ever been in my life and its awesome. I kind of enjoy not being able to find a spare hour to sit down at the computer to write snarky bits of satire that nobody really read. Well that and I literally broke my laptop’s screen in a fit of rage. An ill-suited right hook connected a little more squarely than I expected and my less-than-beloved laptop was rendered useless. Interestingly enough, it succumbed to a catastrophic hardware failure only two days after the fist-to-screen fiasco. Related? Doubtful. Easy to claim it to be? Yep.

Why did I destroy my laptop? I actually don’t remember the exact scenario, but I do remember it had to do with a work project and my laptops refusal to respond to my elementary commands. This brings us to the next reason why I’ve seemingly disappeared. Work.

Owning your own business is only for those of us that hate ourselves. If you’re remotely fond of yourself, work for someone else. If you enjoy giving yourself pain and more headaches than you can imagine, open your own gig. Sure its rewarding. The hours are great…because you make them. The boss is never an ass and the money is ALL yours. No more bringing in however-many-dollars a day for somebody else just to get a shitty check at the end of the week. What you make is what you get. Sounds good enough until you realize the government gets 35% of every dollar. You only find this out after you retain a CPA that makes too much. Oh, there’s an insurance company involved and a lawyer and on and on and on. My disappearance is loosely based on getting the answers to many a business question, having to pay the knuckleheads that answer the questions and having to actually work to make money to pay these guys. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m a dad! I have 3 (count that…one, Two, THREE) kids. Its summer so they’re all here, all of the time. I’m starting to become a huge fan of year round school. So besides being sales, marketing, labor, accounting, warehousing and purchasing for my company I’m also a, chef, maid, butler, activities director, chauffeur and probably 14 other things.

I’m also a son that lives dangerously close to his parents (by dangerously I mean a leisurely walk gets you to their house…or you can get there by car faster than your car realizes you don’t have your seatbelt on and starts dinging at you. ding-Ding-DING!!). This certainly has more advantages than disadvantages, but the point is, I spend quite a bit of time there, thus leading to less opportunity to blog.

So, I’m a small business owner with 3 kids that goes to his Mommy’s a lot. Any one of those would dash any hope of writing, but the trifecta equals silence. Not even the sound of crickets have been emanating from me.

Let’s take a quick look at how things are going:


My business rocks. We’ve been really busy and work keeps coming our way. The last 7 or so days have been a bit slow, but otherwise we’re doing really well. I’ve chronicled in previous entries exactly who we are and what we do, but the bottom line is… If your house is broken we can fix it. In all seriousness, we do super solid work and for incredibly reasonable fees. Feel free to pass our info along to anybody in need.


They’re great. The boys are on week 2 of summer vacation and seem to be adjusting back to the lives of sloths quite well. The baby (she’s 1.5 years old now) is the best child a parent could ever hope for. Smart, beautiful and learning the art of smartassedness quite well for such a young age. I couldn’t be more proud.


Well, I virtually never have a minute to myself. When I do it is always past 10pm and I typically spend the next 2 hours fretting about my business in a sleeping pill educed fog. Sleep comes late and the mornings come early. One day, I fully expect to sleep for a continuous 24 hours, because no human can go forever on the amount of sleep I get in a nightly basis.

I’ve also been invited to go the PGA Tour tournament in Bethesda Maryland next weekend. It is the AT&T National. I’m a huge golf fan and I’ve never seen the pros in person. Very excited.

Otherwise, I am the same me. I probably have bigger bags around my eyes than I should, I have a killer farmer’s tan and my tolerance for nonsense is at an all-time low, but all-in-all I am exactly who I’ve always been.

I doubt very much that I’ll post again any time soon. I look forward to reading on facebook about your trip to the pharmacy tonight or about how awesome your husband or wife is. I can do without the stupid ecards and all of the damn recipes. One word people: Pinterest.

Do yourself a favor and start a blog. It can be fun for you and it can entertain us for more than 3.4 seconds. Write about your day or write about nothing at all. Just write. Its very therapeutic.