Yup. That typically what it pays. What is it exactly? Well, its exactly as the title to the post says. I get paid money to remove shit and other unidentifiable materials from toilets. Let me be clear. THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.
However, scooping dookie from toilets is actually quite simple and when you consider that it usually takes no more than 10 minutes, I am happy to see a deuce sitting there. It must have been lonely for it, ya know. Somebody unceremoniously left it there without the common courtesy to flush it. It must be overwhelmed with shitty joy to see me and my gloved hand coming at it to set it free.
For some reason, it seems that EVERY person that has been foreclosed on or otherwise evicted from their home feels the need to drop the kids off at the pool upon their exit. Do they feel this “one ups” the man? Amateurish, I say. If you really want to throw a big “F you” to the man, do something clever. Leave an “upper decker” for instance. Maybe leave a fish in the fridge and pull the plug. Throw a pig carcass in the attic, etc… Simply leaving a turd in the toilet does nothing more than give me a certain sense of joy. I actually don’t much mind the act of removing it and if I had an endless supply I could make SERIOUS money. 60 minutes / 10 minutes = 6 cleanings per hour x $35 per cleaning = $210 per hour x 8 hours per day = 1680 per day x 5 days per week = $8400 per week x 52 weeks = $436,800 annually. I remind myself every time I have to dig the stinky chocolateness out of the porcelain throne that I am the highest paid shit-digger-outter in America. Go me.
What I can’t handle. Two things.
1. Rotten food in a refrigerator in an abandoned house that doesn’t have electricity. The smell is distinct and there is no escape. Nothing makes it go away and no matter how many times I’ve been subjected to it I just can’t overcome it. I gag, drive heave, and run, Run, RUN in
the opposite any direction leading away. My esteemed business partner finds this to quite possibly be his greatest sense of joy and comedic relief. Rarely am I serious…about anything, but I get Goddamned serious around rotten refrigerators in Pennsylvania in August. Remember, our climate is like Guatemala. Only more humid and actually, mostly warmer.
The other thing that gets me is pubic hair in bathrooms. The clever assholes that are getting the boot from their homes will shave their balls in the bathtub and leave it behind for us to clean. There’s no fancy math on this one, folks. Cleaning the tub, sink and outer toilet are part of what’s called a “wipe down”. That’s usually $35-$50. Since we never have electricity and by this virtue, never have a vacuum cleaner with us, the short and curlys get cleaned out with a Lysol wipe or a paper towel and a bottle of bleach. You can NEVER get them all and inevitably, they will find their way to your person. No matter how careful you are, traces of some man’s (or woman’s) veritable forest of crotch fur will be left on you or your clothing. This brings on the gags, heaves and chastising from the biz partner. Thankfully, we are opposite in our stomach turning do and don’ts. I get the poopy and he gets the manscape left overs.
The other things that turn out stomachs, but more in a “it makes me sick that they left this behind” kind of way are many and usually come with zero explanation. For example, there is a house in york county that we are currently working on. Most everything from the home is gone. TV’s, furniture, clothing, food (thank God), but we stumbled across the old owners college diploma and 2 copies of sealed transcripts. diploma, not a huge deal for an ass-clown like me that went to school for culinary arts where I developed the skills to be a professional human pooper scooper, but this diploma was for a woman’s MBA. Who leaves that shit behind? Something else we see a lot of (and this really pisses us off) is all traces of adults gone, but nearly all of the kids stuff gets left behind. Toys, clothes, school papers, year books, sports trophies, etc… Hey ass-bags. Take your kid’s shit too. I’m sure your kids already hate you, but your piss more decisions shouldn’t strip them of their possessions. One property in particular that we are currently assigned to has a room that contains pretty much every possession of what I’m guessing to be a 4-5 year old girl. The dresser is full of her clothes. The closet has coats, hats and shoes in it. Hell, even the bed is there and it’s made. Its been suggested to me a number of times that the girl must have died and that’s why everything is still there. Although it’s possible, I’ll hold firm on the parents being a couple of ass-hats that just didn’t give a fuck.
It’s also amazing just how dirty homes in general are. It’s really something to see the bare insides of cupboards and drawers. 999 out of 1000 are really, REALLY gross. Take some time this weekend and empty your doors and drawers and clean up. I know for certain that I won’t be doing any of that nonsense, but for the initiated few that read this, I highly recommend it.
I’m going to try to write more about the ridiculousness that I see in the field on a more regular basis. I’d like to maybe even start throwing in a few handyman tips for your educational enjoyment. Let’s try one now.
Universally, electricity codes are going to change next year in relation to outlets in the home. All new outlets (receptacles) must be safety outlets and they must be installed with the grounding point facing up or what most would consider “upside down”. The safety mechanism is quite ingenious in that it is 100% passive but effective. Try to insert a safety-pin, needle, knife…anything at all and it wont go in. Try to insert a plug and it slides in effortlessly. You can see and test these at your local hardware store or neighborhood mega giant home improvement store. The basis for installing the outlet upside down is quite simple. If you were to drop something onto a “not fully inserted” plug, there is a chance it could land on both “top” prongs and cause a short…which could cause a fire, etc… However, if the outlet is installed with the one ground up and the 2 prongs down, any items falling onto it with simply continue to fall. It looks funny at first, but take it from somebody that installed all new outlets in their home. You get used to the look quite quickly and if you have small children running amuck, it gives a little peace of mind.