If there is ever an emergency at our apartment, I feel safe knowing the police know exactly where Sir Lancelot Drive is…they seem to be here every few days!!
I was on my way back from the grocery store this morning (had to grab dinner…salmon, if you must know) and as I was turning into our apartment complex, a police cruiser pulled in directly behind me. Our complex is rather large. There are about 25 buildings situated on 5 roads. We’re in the middle of the complex and are the last building on our particular road. Anyway, Roscoe pulls in directly behind me and follows me all the way back to our building and parks directly beside me. I’m notorious for driving below the speed limit and my Blazer is registered / inspected, I wasnt texting or using my phone…you get the point. What the hell does he want with me?
We both park and I sat still for a second waiting for him to come to me. He didn’t, so I unloaded the groceries and took the baby inside. Turns out, he wasnt here for me, but rather to visit the neighbors directly behind us. Apparently, there is a 16 year old girl in that unit and she was refusing to go to school today. I guess mom-of-the-year must have had enough of her shenanigans and called the po-po on her ass. (I don’t want to waste your time or my time prophesying on why she would call the cops…if your daughter is that downtrodden, maybe the cops aren’t the answer. Seems like a call to uncle Xanax might have been a better idea)
While I’m putting the groceries away, I start to hear sirens in the distance. Sure enough, Cletus shows up. Now, we have 2 of Susquehanna Township’s finest in my building trying to convince this chick to go to school. “But wait! There’s more!! Call now and we’ll throw in a 3rd…FOR FREE!!”
That’s right dear readers, cop #3 shows up only mere minutes after cop #2. He’s in an unmarked, all black Ford Explorer. The boss perhaps? We shall refer to him as JD Hogg for the remainder of the story.
So, what does the girl do when faced with 3 officers standing in her living room?
**Wait a second…what did I do when there were 3 officers standing in her living room? I stood with my ear pressed as hard as possible to the wall so I could hear every word, cough and sniffle of course!!
a) Breakdown into tears?
b) Get her ass on a bike and get to school?
c) Get belligerent with the cops?
Much to my delight, she chose option c. There was something pleasing about listening to the cops ask this girl a question and she replying with exactly the answer they don’t want to hear!
One exchange went something like this:
Cop “You have one minute to get dressed and leave for school”
Girl “I ain’t going! You can’t make me!”
Cop “Now you have 50 seconds…”
Girl “I ain’t GOING!!! You don’t know what I’m going through!!!!”
Cop “You have 3 choices. Get in my car and go. Get handcuffed, then get in my car and go or get handcuffed and go to the station”
Girl “garbled screaming”
At this point, they move to somewhere in their apartment that apparently has better sound proofing, because I can only barely hear them.
After 10 minutes or so, I hear people the in the hallway. It’s the cops. Boss Hog made tracks, just leaving Roscoe and Cletus. I assume they were waiting for the girl to finish getting dressed to haul her truant ass off to school. While I was watching them intensely through the peephole it dawned on me that the lens on my iPhone camera is smaller than the peephole itself.
Behold!! Quite possibly one of the greatest pictures I have ever taken:
Cletus and Roscoe stood there in the hallway for a good ten minutes. I stood there looking through the peephole for…um…ten good minutes?? (hahahahaha). I desperately wanted to get a shot of the girl in handcuffs through the peephole, but alas, she never emerged. WHAT.THE.HELL??
A solid half an hour after the cops left, the girl did leave with what I assume was an aunt and uncle with her backpack in tow. Excitement over, return to normal living, this episode of Cops: Susquehanna Township is over.
Is it just as ridiculous to you as it is me that the mom called the cops, the local dispatcher sent 3 cops to the scene and then they left without doing anything? What a gigantic waste of time. I wonder how many real laws were broken during the time these 3 officers were here? How many jackasses in red convertibles were driving 30 MPH over the speed limit down Progress Ave, etc…
But hey…at least when I need them, they’ll know how to find Sir Lancelot Drive.
I want to take a quick second and say thanks for reading. I apparently have quite a few followers and The Delligator Papers went international this week…readers have linked from Brazil, France, Germany, Australia and Great Brittain.