88 – X = You might not be my friend tomorrow.

Chances are good that if you’re reading this, you’re my Facebook friend.  Guess what?  After doing a little research into my “friends” tonight, chances are good that we in fact are not friends in the literal sense and moreover, I may not know you well enough to be able to pick you out of a crowd.  Shit, I might not be able to pick you out of a line up with only two other people. 

I’m semi addicted to reading the news feed on Facebook and I’m not sure why.  Every time I read it, I bitch to myself about how useless all of the posts are.  I don’t give a hoot that you just got a mani / pedi, are heading out on the town with that special someone in your life, or whatever useless tidbit of information you need to tell the world.  And yet, I read about it.  Every.Single.Day. 

Back to my point.  I took a count and I have 88 friends on Facebook.  It’s not many, but I am somewhat proud of the fact that I have sent EXACTLY one friend request on Facebook.  It was to an ex-coworker that I wanted to drop a note to.  Otherwise, you searched me out.  Thanks, I guess. 

So, out of you illustrious 88 people who I’m friends with, I can confidently say that I am not anywhere in the vicinity of being “real” friends with 33 of you.  Why the hell are we somehow connected online?  Reason number one…we worked together.  Well, we don’t anymore and you havent bothered to drop me a line.  Bye-bye.  Reason two.  Somewhere along the way, we have befriended the same people.  Hey “friend” just because I’m friends with Johnny and you are too doesn’t make us pals.  Bye-bye.  Reason 3.  Oh hell, you get the point.  (honestly, I can’t come up with a #3 reason because I don’t have the foggiest who you are).     

More fun stats about the 88.  I only have phone numbers for roughly 20 of you.  Isn’t that a great way to measure your friendship with another person.  I say if you don’t at least have someone’s phone number, you’re probably not friends. 

I’m not so naive as to not realize that I am as much responsible for our friend status as you.  I pitifully accepted your friend request.  Shame on me. 

Now what?  Is it mass exodus time?  Do I drop bombs like Hiroshima on all of my non-friends?  Should I mute you so that I don’t have to hear one more time that your child is sick and you’re hoping beyond words to not get it?  If I do purge the extra baggage, will I miss hearing stories about trips to grocery store and your car problems?  Will I again long for the days when I had to be subjected to your YouTube videos of extremely obscure bands (I want to make it clear that sentence was not intended for my 4 day older cousin…you actually post tunes worth checking out)

I’m not sure what exactly I’m going to do.  I think there is a righteous chance that at least 15 of you will be gone by tomorrow.  If you’re one of the chosen, don’t go away mad…just go away.


(Now is your chance to bookmark this page or choose to “follow” my blog.  We dont have to be “friends” for you to still read my blog, do we?)


4 thoughts on “88 – X = You might not be my friend tomorrow.

  1. The equation “88-X = You may not be my friend tomorrow” has been solved. Today I have 71 friends. Therefore, 88 – X = 71. X = 17. So long, dearly departed.

    Interestingly enough, I noticed at least one of my “friends” de-friended me before I could drop the hatchet on them. I’m actually a bit disappointed that they beat me to it.

  2. Very funny and pretty spot on Dude! For the record peeps reading this, I do have this knuckleheads phone number. I say knucklehead with much love! Love the picture of you working hard btw. Peace brother.

  3. 71 people left, I’m still here…. and I’ve texted you recently so its possible that you have my phone number, meaning its probable that I’m one of those 20 phone book contacts out of 71 facebookers…. sweet, sounds like the “odds are everrrr in my favorrrr!” I’m going to play the lottery!

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