The ONE good thing about living where we do

If there is ever an emergency at our apartment, I feel safe knowing the police know exactly where Sir Lancelot Drive is…they seem to be here every few days!!

I was on my way back from the grocery store this morning (had to grab dinner…salmon, if you must know) and as I was turning into our apartment complex, a police cruiser pulled in directly behind me.  Our complex is rather large.  There are about 25 buildings situated on 5 roads.  We’re in the middle of the complex and are the last building on our particular road.  Anyway, Roscoe pulls in directly behind me and follows me all the way back to our building and parks directly beside me.  I’m notorious for driving below the speed limit and my Blazer is registered / inspected, I wasnt texting or using my phone…you get the point.  What the hell does he want with me?

We both park and I sat still for a second waiting for him to come to me.  He didn’t, so I unloaded the groceries and took the baby inside.  Turns out, he wasnt here for me, but rather to visit the neighbors directly behind us.  Apparently, there is a 16 year old girl in that unit and she was refusing to go to school today.  I guess mom-of-the-year must have had enough of her shenanigans and called the po-po on her ass.  (I don’t want to waste your time or my time prophesying on why she would call the cops…if your daughter is that downtrodden, maybe the cops aren’t the answer.  Seems like a call to uncle Xanax might have been a better idea)

While I’m putting the groceries away, I start to hear sirens in the distance.  Sure enough, Cletus shows up.  Now, we have 2 of Susquehanna Township’s finest in my building trying to convince this chick to go to school.  “But wait!  There’s more!!  Call now and we’ll throw in a 3rd…FOR FREE!!”

That’s right dear readers, cop #3 shows up only mere minutes after cop #2.  He’s in an unmarked, all black Ford Explorer.  The boss perhaps?  We shall refer to him as JD Hogg for the remainder of the story.

So, what does the girl do when faced with 3 officers standing in her living room?

**Wait a second…what did I do when there were 3 officers standing in her living room?  I stood with my ear pressed as hard as possible to the wall so I could hear every word, cough and sniffle of course!!

Does she:

a)  Breakdown into tears?
b)  Get her ass on a bike and get to school?
c)  Get belligerent with the cops?

Much to my delight, she chose option c.  There was something pleasing about listening to the cops ask this girl a question and she replying with exactly the answer they don’t want to hear!

One exchange went something like this:

Cop “You have one minute to get dressed and leave for school”
Girl “I ain’t going!  You can’t make me!”
Cop “Now you have 50 seconds…”
Girl “I ain’t GOING!!!  You don’t know what I’m going through!!!!”
Cop “You have 3 choices.  Get in my car and go.  Get handcuffed, then get in my car and go or get handcuffed and go to the station”
Girl “garbled screaming”

At this point, they move to somewhere in their apartment that apparently has better sound proofing, because I can only barely hear them.

After 10 minutes or so, I hear people the in the hallway.  It’s the cops.  Boss Hog made tracks, just leaving Roscoe and Cletus.  I assume they were waiting for the girl to finish getting dressed to haul her truant ass off to school.  While I was watching them intensely through the peephole it dawned on me that the lens on my iPhone camera is smaller than the peephole itself.

Behold!!  Quite possibly one of the greatest pictures I have ever taken:

 Cletus and Roscoe stood there in the hallway for a good ten minutes.  I stood there looking through the peephole for…um…ten good minutes?? (hahahahaha).  I desperately wanted to get a shot of the girl in handcuffs through the peephole, but alas, she never emerged.  WHAT.THE.HELL??

A solid half an hour after the cops left, the girl did leave with what I assume was an aunt and uncle with her backpack in tow.  Excitement over, return to normal living, this episode of Cops: Susquehanna Township is over.

Is it just as ridiculous to you as it is me that the mom called the cops, the local dispatcher sent 3 cops to the scene and then they left without doing anything?  What a gigantic waste of time.  I wonder how many real laws were broken during the time these 3 officers were here?  How many jackasses in red convertibles were driving 30 MPH over the speed limit down Progress Ave, etc…

But hey…at least when I need them, they’ll know how to find Sir Lancelot Drive.

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I want to take a quick second and say thanks for reading.  I apparently have quite a few followers and The Delligator Papers went international this week…readers have linked from Brazil, France, Germany, Australia and Great Brittain.

Thanks everybody!

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There goes the neighborhood.

I was 23 when I bought my first house.  Think about it…23!  What were you doing at 23?  Probably just finished college and were taking your first real job (probably had nothing to do with your degree, either…right?).  Maybe you skipped college and were still in a haze of smoke and hooch, struggling to make the next lot rent payment for your lovely trailer or maybe you had your shit together and was buying a house just like I was.

The fact was and is, I DIDNT have my shit together.  Yeah, I had a good job, but I was in way over my head.  I had recently dropped out of college (the reasons why could make for a blog post one day), had a one year old son and more credit than I was really worthy of.  I thought I had a good relationship with his mom, but I didn’t.  I thought I had the world by the balls, but I didn’t.

I left that house and the life that came with it 5 years, one more son and a marriage later.  I gave it all away to escape the atrocities being committed against me on a daily basis.  Thanks to the graciousness of the Police on the scene (haha! typing that makes me think of Vanilla Ice and Ice Ice Baby “police on the scene, know what i mean?  They passed me up and confronted all the dope fiends) I was able to grab a few things upon my exit.  I grabbed a laundry basket full of clothes, my wallet and a few important docs.  Everything else, including my sons stayed behind.

I spent the following years living with my Grandmother.  She’s a saint.  She’s saved my ass more times than I can ever possibly begin to thank or repay her for.  Although I never really replaced any of the material items I left behind (My room was small…and pink.  Not much reason to run out and buy a 60” TV and home theater system, right??) I did find myself with my boys quite often and I made the best of the situation.  I spent the next 5 years there.

Fast forward to today.

Baby Momma and I have a great relationship.  I legally have full custody of my sons (The Mini-gators) and Baby Momma and I were graced with a baby girl in December.  Other than being unemployed, things couldn’t be better.

The interesting thing about being unemployed is I found myself with a pile of money.  Bizarre to say the least, but I can confidently say I am in the best financial state of my life.  What to do…?  What to do……..?

Travel?
Gamble?
Buy more toys???
Invest it??

Hell no!  I say spend it on a house!

BAM!!

I snapped this picture a week or so ago after our bid was finally approved.  Do ya dig the sold sign?  I do!

What a hassle getting the final approval was!  We purchased this house on a short sale.  If you have the patience, I highly recommend searching for a short sale house.  Without getting into the specifics…we saved approximately 30% off the current market value of the house.  However, if not knowing what is coming next, if you will or will not get the approvals needed from all involved and without a timeline for knowing when they will or wont…it’s not for you.  although a hassle, it’s actually going quite smoothly for us.  We just have the home inspection to get through and then we’re all set.

It’s been since January 2006, but I am finally re-entering the world of home ownership and I couldn’t be any more excited.  I’m super stoked to have a great home and location to raise my children with Baby Momma.  I’m ecstatic at the idea of having a grill again.  Hell, I might buy a damn smoker to go with it!  I’ve missed working on my house and almost can’t wait to have my first official “honey-do” list.  The house is also literally 200 yards down the road from my mom’s.  I should be able to bounce Titleists off of her roof with a 5 iron (it’s downhill to her place).

Etters, PA…you are hereby forwarned.  The Dellingers are coming to set up shop.

I think my buddy JVH put it best.  He lives 5 doors down from the house we’re buying.  In response to my good news on the seller’s acceptance of our offer.

“Jesus.  There goes the FUCKING neighborhood.”

This goes out to JVH.  See ya soon, pal!

http://youtu.be/yZ6hkkMle1Q

***For some reason, I can’t embed video.  Do me a favor and click the link, mmkay?***

 

 

88 – X = You might not be my friend tomorrow.

Chances are good that if you’re reading this, you’re my Facebook friend.  Guess what?  After doing a little research into my “friends” tonight, chances are good that we in fact are not friends in the literal sense and moreover, I may not know you well enough to be able to pick you out of a crowd.  Shit, I might not be able to pick you out of a line up with only two other people. 

I’m semi addicted to reading the news feed on Facebook and I’m not sure why.  Every time I read it, I bitch to myself about how useless all of the posts are.  I don’t give a hoot that you just got a mani / pedi, are heading out on the town with that special someone in your life, or whatever useless tidbit of information you need to tell the world.  And yet, I read about it.  Every.Single.Day. 

Back to my point.  I took a count and I have 88 friends on Facebook.  It’s not many, but I am somewhat proud of the fact that I have sent EXACTLY one friend request on Facebook.  It was to an ex-coworker that I wanted to drop a note to.  Otherwise, you searched me out.  Thanks, I guess. 

So, out of you illustrious 88 people who I’m friends with, I can confidently say that I am not anywhere in the vicinity of being “real” friends with 33 of you.  Why the hell are we somehow connected online?  Reason number one…we worked together.  Well, we don’t anymore and you havent bothered to drop me a line.  Bye-bye.  Reason two.  Somewhere along the way, we have befriended the same people.  Hey “friend” just because I’m friends with Johnny and you are too doesn’t make us pals.  Bye-bye.  Reason 3.  Oh hell, you get the point.  (honestly, I can’t come up with a #3 reason because I don’t have the foggiest who you are).     

More fun stats about the 88.  I only have phone numbers for roughly 20 of you.  Isn’t that a great way to measure your friendship with another person.  I say if you don’t at least have someone’s phone number, you’re probably not friends. 

I’m not so naive as to not realize that I am as much responsible for our friend status as you.  I pitifully accepted your friend request.  Shame on me. 

Now what?  Is it mass exodus time?  Do I drop bombs like Hiroshima on all of my non-friends?  Should I mute you so that I don’t have to hear one more time that your child is sick and you’re hoping beyond words to not get it?  If I do purge the extra baggage, will I miss hearing stories about trips to grocery store and your car problems?  Will I again long for the days when I had to be subjected to your YouTube videos of extremely obscure bands (I want to make it clear that sentence was not intended for my 4 day older cousin…you actually post tunes worth checking out)

I’m not sure what exactly I’m going to do.  I think there is a righteous chance that at least 15 of you will be gone by tomorrow.  If you’re one of the chosen, don’t go away mad…just go away.

Delligator

(Now is your chance to bookmark this page or choose to “follow” my blog.  We dont have to be “friends” for you to still read my blog, do we?)

View of the Earth from space

Something that has always bothered me is why all pictures of Earth taken from space look like this:

Why don’t they ever look like this:

“Well, Josh, the second picture is upside down.”

Is it?

Space continues on in all directions indefinitely.  Because there is no end to space, there is no direction as we know it.  Up and down and left and right don’t exist.  Did you know that once in space, the floor of the space craft becomes a usable area for storage?  Why?  Because, the floor isn’t the floor anymore.  It’s becomes the roof, walls and floor all rolled into one the instant that weightlessness occurs. 

Back to my point… 

Since sense of direction doesn’t occur, why are all photos of Earth sent back to us oriented perfectly centered somewhere around the Equator with North American directly to the top and South America directly to the bottom?  Does our Government think we can’t handle the sight of our Earth as it naturally appears as opposed to how they think we should see it? 

I can’t tell you why, but this has frustrated me (not frustrated like a wanna punch a hole in my wall, so much as it give me a chuckle whenever I see one of these images) for many years.  So, today I went in search of a picture from space that doesn’t look like the roll down atlas my 3rd grade teach has hanging above the chalkboard.  Here is the best that I could find:

This a picture of the Earth taken from the surface of the moon.  Somewhere in my head I am finally proud of myself for uncovering a picture that clearly shows the Earth on its side.  Wait…The Earth doesn’t have a side.  Its an oblate spheroid, but even if it had sides, they still wouldn’t be sides since there is no direction.  Sigh…they would just be…well whatever. 

In any case, enjoy the view of a “sideways” Africa.   

Happy Friday.